Hijab And I

dalam kesibukan i dan Mr. A buat preparation untuk wedding disember nie, i terima satu mesej panjang lebar dari kakak i. mesej facebook. a very long and deep one. i have to read it twice to understand the whole points.

pertamanya, jujur i tak terkejut dengan kandungan mesej tu since mak dan ayah memang pernah pun bercakap pasal itu. cuma, when it comes from kakngah, i doubted it was 100% of what my parents told her. it's not that i accused her as a liar but heyy we know our sisters well ritee! :D

so yeah, the message hurts me in someway, but my brain asks me to clarify everything with mak and ayah before another deep talk about the topic.

first thing i did after read the message was istighfar. i know i did lots of mistakes, most of them are stupid, but past is past. there's nothing i could do about it except asking for a forgiveness and bertaubat.

talking about hijab, i have nothing to argue. ye, berhijab dan bertudung itu wajib. full stop. noktah. but what irritates me is why many people that i love cant understand that i never deny the fact? why everyone cant understand the IKHLAS word? i dont want to wear hijab and at the same time i keep on nagging on twitter or with friends about how messy and unease feeling i have.

macamni lah. i pernah pakai tudung dulu. tapi i pakai sebab mak ayah suruh pakai. sebab tengok kawan-kawan pakai. i tak faham kenapa sebenarnya kena pakai tudung selain dari "wajib". i pakai tudung tapi hati i struggle. mungkin ada yang akan kata inilah godaan syaitan. i jawab mungkin, tapi disebabkan i tak ada ilmu dan keikhlasan di situ, i tak mampu melawan godaan tu.

masa zaman kampus, struggle tu bertambah-tambah kuat. dan i tambah rasa berdosa sebab i nie nama je pakai tudung tapi perangai i time tu, nauzubillah memang nakal sangat. that time i baru kenal Mr. A pulak, lagilah setan mengeletis. dan itulah akhirnya, i tanggalkan tudung and i jadi macamana diri i sekarang.

honestly, masa mula-mula perubahan tu..memang banyak sangat cemuhan yang i terima. dan i tak marah. i pun pernah jugak kutuk-kutuk orang macamtu. cuma sekarang i faham perasaannya bagaimana. sedih sebab ke mana orang-orang yang mencemuh tu masa i sedang struggle?? mana kawan-kawan saya masa tu? and yes, i am not blaming anyone, this is my own choice.

time teaches me a lot. i banyak sangat belajar during this years. i made mistakes, i bangun balik, i jatuh lagi and alhamdulillah i think Allah loves me. i also believe Allah knows me, Allah knows how i think about hijab, and only He knows what is the best for me and us.

there are more things i want to write about my kakngah's message, but that will be in another post perhaps.

till then! :)