Perception.

it's been quite some time ago when this situation happened. i never tell anyone except A. since then, i just feel like crying everytime it came across my mind. i feel hurt and i dont know how to deal with it. i tried to forgive the people but i cant everytime i thought of what they did, talked and thought about me, until now. and the worst part is they are my friends. friends who shared toothpaste, kitchen groceries, pillows, eyeliner, hairban, etc etc.

:(

we thought we were meant to be a housemates. coincidentally, we have quite similar lifestyle especially in love relationship. i still remembered the moment when one of us blurted out the question and all of us were laughing like hell when each one of us saying yes for it. LOL. :')

but the happiness stopped when we moved out to another house. first of all, all of us agreed to one simple thing which is prohibited in the new house. one day, while i at the office i received text from one of my housemate who also the house owner. she asked me one question which indirectly related to that rule. i replied her with details and sorry for my silly carelessness that made her thought i broke the rule. i thought the issue would end there. but i was wrong. she replied me with a statement/question which obviously related to the rule again, and provoking me. haihhh i swear to God, only He knows how i felt at the moment. honestly, i am not good with mouth or text war. especially when it comes from a person who i loved. the best thing i can do at that kind of situation is crying.

i remembered how sad i was at that time, i can still felt the heartache. i just cant understand how could she think that way to me. i thought i've been good enough for her to trust me as a friend, like how i trust her. i did not reply the sms though, i was crying on the phone with A who at that time was meeting with a client. i remembered how he managed to talk to me by giving a toilet excuse. haihh.

back home from work, i remembered how i waited for her to ask the question or issue again to me because at that time i did feel i want to talk and explained myself although my ego said i dont have to because i did it in my sms. but nadaa. they didnt spill any word to me that night. and since then, i could feel the gap. i dont know how to describe my feeling towards them and home since that day. it's like i miss the previous craziness but i cant bear the silence treatment they gave me for something that i never did! so i tend to spend more time at the office so when i back at home, i didnt have to see their craziness while my attempts to have a conversation were ignored. i was so grateful A was with me at that time. dia dengar cerita sedih i, layan i on the phone, teman i makan, etc etc while during the same time i know they were spending time together - shopping, watching movies, lunches, blah3.. T__T

i thought the story wont be worst than that but i was wrong again.
we moved again to another house. this time, the previous house owner was not with us anymore.

one day after back home from work, i felt like i wanted to cook. FYI, i always been the only person left at home during weekend since all my housemates either will be back to their hometown or spend nights in relative's house nearby. so usually until now pun i will cook lunch for A and me on weekend, put the simple dishes in my green mangkuk tingkat and will enjoy the meal with A anywhere we would like to. Putrajaya has lots of cool places to enjoy your meals under shady trees, breezy wind, fuhhh!! memang berselera makan walaupun mungkin lauknya cuma sambal sardin dan telur dadar.

back to the story, i felt like to cook so i texted one of my housemate (the house owner too, such a coincidence) to ask her whether she wanted to eat at home or not because if she wanted, i would cook for three person. then, she replied me saying she wont eat at home and she reminded me about the same prohibited rule again in a good way. honestly, i did feel annoying but i was glad she did not provoke or perli me like previous case so i replied her explaining my original plan for the dinner (as i wrote in a previous paragraph). i was relieved when she replied and admit there's a misunderstanding of the issue.

i really thought it was an end.
yes, it's not.

few days later after the day, as usual i curi-curi masa kat ofis reading blogs. thats my hobby actually, sesambil buat kerja i will read blogs. sometimes it helps me with stress. that day, one of the blog i read was my housemate blog. to be exact, the previous house owner. masyaAllah, the latest entry was so fucking hurt me. no, it did not quote my name, even nothing about me but i knew she meant the entry for me, related with the latest situation between me and the new house owner.

how the hell that she know the story while she was not even with us anymore? Haihhh, to think about it pun i feel like crying. since then, i know no matter how my intention towards them, they will definitely perceive it as bad. since then too, i could feel the tense and awkwardness.

until now, i still in the same house with them. imagine how i have to deal with the situation and the people every single day alone? it's like the same thing in a previous home is happening again here. i remembered i read the blog with trembling hands and teary eyes, thinking of how could a roommate, a friends could think, talked, and even wrote that kind of entry. it's not about the prohibited rule anymore because Allah knows how far they went than me. it's a friendship they are ruining, it's a trust.

:(

i cant stand it anymore. i think this is why sometimes i feel guilty to A because i tend to insist him on marriage thingy although i know we're not financial ready yet.