Music, Lyric and Me Time.

i always love music. but when it comes to a song, i always prefer the lyric.
maybe sebab aku sendiri suka menulis. aku cenderung kagum dengan manusia yang mampu terjemah segala isi hati dalam sepotong puisi contohnya.

dan untuk manusia seperti aku ini, akan ada masa dan harinya bila mana perasaan tu jadi membuak-buak nak menulis tapi bila pegang pen atau menghadap komputer, kau jadi tak tahu apa nak tulis.

sesak nafas betul bila setiap kali datang perasaan tu okey. serious.

dan selalunya untuk kurangkan rasa sesak dada tu, aku akan layan youtube, bukak channel yang bole aku layankan dengan perasaan sekarang ni. Jason Mraz, Ed Sheeran, Passenger, John Legend, (antara contoh) misalnya, lepas tu kalau ada free flow coffee, lepas tu blog hopping / a good book to read -- then i will feel better. tak complicated mana pun, just a ME time.

TAPI JANGAN MIMPILAH NAK BUAT SEMUA TU SEKARANG.


Hahahaha..baru nak layan youtube, anak dah buat signal jari nak tengok Tukur-Tukur. LOL yes you read it right, anak aku suke layan video clip lagu Tukur Tukur OST Dilwale. Well, besides the song itself was very catchy for a toddler like him, memang kitorang laki bini yang gila hindustan ni bawak dia tengok movie Dilwale dua kali kat wayang. ^______^ i am sorry but i am not sorry, i just loveeee Shah Rukh Khan!

balik kepada topik, itulahh kisahnya. i am struggling looking for a me time. i dont need private time with my husband because we had it a lot actually alhamdulillah; but i really need private time to be with myself, alone. i want to enjoy every single sip of coffee alone, i miss to delicately treasure every pages of book, the coffee and book's smell, the freedom to wander with my thoughts, the rush feeling to express all the thoughts into writing, hmmmmm.

well, maybe i shall keep this thought for a while though.

till then!

#1 Step for 2016

Merujuk entry sebelum ni.

Yes, i did one step ahead. aku beranikan diri bincang dengan my immediate boss pasal nak transfer dari department sekarang ni. Puan HR, memang a very senior lady in public service. Di sebalik cakap-cakap orang lain yang tak puas hati dan menyampah dengan dia; aku sebenarnya sangat hormat dan kagum dengan dia. well, mana ada manusia yang perfect. tapi Puan HR banyak ilmu dan pengalaman, dan dia tak kedekut semua tu. Aku memang akan pergi bilik dia bercerita dan bincang dengan dia everytime kalau aku perlukan pandangan dan nasihat yang profesional dan baik. 

Dan seperti yang aku jangkakan, Puan HR memang sangat profesional bila mendengar permohonan aku tu. Lebih kurang setengah jam kami bersembang berkongsi pendapat dan luahan perasaan, aku keluar dari bilik dia dengan perasaan yang sedikit tenang. Now, i just need to do a lil bit of CSI dengan Human Resource department, lepas tu cari masa yang sesuai untuk inform big boss pulak pasal ni. and that will be the real challenge. insyaallah, insyaallah.

Jom solat Asar.

till then!

2016!

2016.

2016 seakan berjalan terlalu laju untuk aku. rasa tak terkejar dengan macam-macam benda yang jadi dalam hidup sekarang ni. mak aku kena lung infection masuk ICU, kerja kat ofis berlambak tak habis-habis, hubungan dengan encik husband yang kengkadang tersentap sana sini, haihhh mujurlah Allah permudahkan urusan kami dengan macam-macam bantuan dari sumber dan orang yang tak dijangka. paling syukur sebab Noah Zafrel mudah diurus.

HIJRAH.

Klise sangat bila masuk tahun baru nak bercakap pasal hijrah. tapi apa salahnya klise kalau bawak kebaikan kan? hijrah apa yang aku nak buat tahun ni? BANYAK. kalau boleh disenaraikan, mungkin tak mampu aku nak post entry ni petang ni jugak sebab nak fikir habis-habis semua perkara yang nak dimasukkan dalam senarai.

antara perkara yang aku nak perbaiki dalam hidup ialah hubungan aku dengan manusia keliling. sejak mak masuk ICU, lepas tu Aga meninggal, aku terasa sangat betapa fragile nya hidup ni beb. fragile dan tak pasti. yang pastinya satu je -- kita akan mati. lately ni, aku selalu sangat fikir apa agaknya yang orang akan bercakap dan ingat pasal aku bila aku dah mati? i want to be a better person. a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter. bukan untuk orang lain, tapi untuk ketenangan diri sendiri. memang betul cakap orang - perasaan yang paling best ialah bila kita dapat gembirakan orang lain. i hope i can make more people around me happy. belanja minum, text tanya khabar, belanja makan, call ke, i dont know. i'll try.

CINTA.

I love my life. i love my boys. entah camana hidup aku kalau achik dan noah tak ada. still, aku rasa cinta aku ni belum capai standard yang mana-mana suami expect kot. i dont know. anak baru sorang tapi aku belum manage untuk kemas dan deco rumah, masak proper dinner everyday ke, sobbss. achik memang the best husband i can ask for walaupun ada masanya memang stress pasal dia. i want to be a better lover. dah lama tak saja-saja text during working hour, dulu masa bercinta sempat je kann. so i slowly did now. surprisingly diri sendiri rasa awkward mula-mula tu. Allahuu, baru tiga tahun kot kawen. maybe lepas ni, i'll drop random love notes somewhere?

sejak ada noah, memang tak pernah lagi kami dating or road trip berdua. still, aku tak rasa benda ni patut jadi masalah. i want to be a better lover. kena berenti cari masalah dan alasan sebab sebenarnya my husband is not someone who hard to please pun. i'll try.

KARIER.

OK lahh di sebalik kerja aku yang tak penah habis, stress level yang asyik mencanak je naiknya, I love my job. i love my boss, colleagues and my personal crib here. indirectly, aku memang berada dalam comfort zone laa sekarang. persoalannya, dah sampai masa ke aku patut keluar dari zon ni sekarang untuk kemajuan karier? Dah tujuh tahun aku dalam servis tapi most of the years aku cuma buat kerja-kerja communication and public relation which is actually not a core business for my scheme.

Postpone dulu lah pikir dan decide pasal benda ni. Kalau boleh pencen by 40 years old pun best, lepas tu maybe boleh fokus menulis sambil bela lemak anak. Hmmmmmm, i wish i wish i wish!


FUTURE.

Aku harap dalam tempoh lima tahun akan datang, aku dan husband boleh enjoy financial freedom. At least dapat langsaikan hutang-hutang yang kritikal, tak tenang hidup sebenarnya bila berhutang ni tapi itulah lemahnya kita manusia dalam merancang, Allah jua yang menentukan. Semoga husband belajar dari kesilapan dan makin matang dalam uruskan perniagaan dan kehidupan kami sekeluarga.

Finally, i wish to have another baby! Bahahahahaha! :P


Till then!

the art of showing love

harini genap 19 minggu preggy.

(^_________________^)

sungguh, tak ada satu perkataan yang boleh jelaskan perasaan sekarang. seronok, terharu, excited, teruja, macam-macamlah. sebab tu, setiap kali perasaan menggebus-gebus tu datang, i cuma mampu ucap alhamdulillah.

oh maaflah, tajuk omputih tapi entry melayu kann. very the malaysian.

bila dah nak jadi mak nie, satu perkara yang selalu i kenangkan mestilah masa i kecik-kecik dulu. teringat macamana mak n ayah dulu besarkan, didik, dan jaga kami empat beradik. dan, betullah apa yang orang selalu cakap - sedikit sebanyak, cara kita dibesarkan dulu mencorak pembawakan diri kita masa kita dah dewasa.

kami adik beradik dibesarkan dalam keluarga dan cara yang sangat sederhana. ayah kerja, mak suri rumah sambil ambil upah mengasuh anak orang. darjah 1 sampai darjah 6 bawak duit belanja 50 sen sehari (kat kampung panggil lima kupang). memang susah hidup kami tapi cukup makan pakai. baju sekolah berganti baru walaupun sepasang tiap-tiap tahun. buku rujukan, yuran sekolah bagai tetap langsai dibayar walaupun ada yang terlajak sampai pertengahan tahun.

mak dan ayah sibuk kerja keras cari duit. seingat-ingat i masa zaman kanak-kanak n sekolah rendah dulu, dua kali je kami satu family betul-betul pegi vacation. first, pegi langkawi itupun jiran lama kami yang banyak sponsor sebab dia kaya. second, naik keretapi pegi penang. i masuk universiti baru merasa tengok wayang.

:')

mak dan ayah memang jarang sangat-sangat belanjakan duit pada kami dengan beli hadiah, melancong ke, memang tersangatlah jarang. tapi, bab makan memang diorang tak pernah berkira. cakap je i nak makan apa, insyaallah nanti adalah mak i masakkan atau ayah belikan. teringat dulu UPSR dapat 4A 1B, siap tanya mak takde hadiah ke? budak-budak kann, tengok kawan-kawan lain dapat 1A, 2A pun parents bagi hadiah tapi mak ayah kita tak kasi pape, peluk cium pun tak. sekarang ni bila ingat balik rasa macam sedih pulak. mesti mak terasa waktu ditanya tu kann.

memang mak ayah i tak pandai tunjukkan sayang pada anak-anak - dalam perkataan atau sentuhan. dan jujurnya, perkara ni beri kesan pada i sampai sekarang. kesannya, i pun tak pandai nak tunjukkan sayang melalui perkataan dan sentuhan. trust me, even my husband noticed and i hate it. maksud tak pandai ni bukanlah i ni kerasss sokmo 24 jam hahaha tapi masa mula-mula kawen dulu, jarang sangat i yang initiate or tetiba saja-saja peluk, cium or cuddle with hubby. bukan sebab malu dengan husband sendiri, tapi rasa macam awkward dengan diri sendiri. nasib baik husband faham lepas kami communicate. husband i pulak jenis manja dengan mama dia, setakat peluk cium tu selalu sangat walaupun mak dia kuat pokpekpokpek hahaha..dan, alhamdulillah lama-kelamaan kurang sikit dah awkward tu.

bukan dengan husband je ye, dengan kawan-kawan pun i macamtu. maybe sebab tu, i tak ada best friend masa remaja huhuhu.. yelah, i tak pandai initiate sesuatu hubungan tu untuk jadi lebih close dengan bagi hadiah ke, spend time together lama-lama, pegi sana sini n makan sama-sama -- tak pernah i buat semua tu dengan my friends, semua i kawan sama rata, and people tend to forget me here and there. memang sedih bila diingat balik, tapi itulah hidup kan. kita belajar dari kesilapan dan pengalaman.

selain daripada tu, husband ajar i untuk lebih terbuka to express love and appreciation to others. mula-mula dulu via sms, whatsapp je tulis sayang, love you semua ni. slowly until now, both of us dah boleh communicate honestly pasal rasa sayang, cinta, rindu, sampai nanges-nanges pun pernah. masyaallah, tak pernah i sangka sebelum ni betapa leganya perasaan lepas dah meluahkan perasaan tu haha..

motif i menulis entry ni ialah, i nak declare dengan diri sendiri yang i nak jadi ibu yang baik untuk anak-anak (insyaallah). ada banyak benda yang i boleh ikut dan jadikan panduan dari cara i dibesarkan dulu, tapi ada jugak beberapa perkara yang i yakin i boleh improve to be a better mother. i percaya, anak yang sentiasa diberitahu (melalui perkataan, sentuhan dan perbuatan) mengenai how much your parents love you - akan membesar sebagai individu yang lebih yakin dengan diri sendiri, yang percaya dia berhak dapat semua yang dia mahu dalam dunia, dan takkan jadi desperate mencari cinta.

tapi semua ni perlukan usaha. we do need to learn the art of showing love, supaya tidak terkurang dan tak pulak terlebih.

:')

till then!

Perang Jiwa

ada sesuatu yang bergolak dalam jiwa.

gelodaknya macam nak pecah dada.

Berperang bisik 'nak buat benda yang betul' dengan bisik 'belum lagi'.

Ramadan ni, mana lah ada syaitan kan? 

Masyaallah, jahat sungguh nafsu aku rupanya.

sungguh, aku perlu cari tonik untuk kuatkan jiwa.

the unknown feeling

all of sudden, you just feel the urge to cry but you dont know why.
mom said, it's normal for us, for woman.
i hope so, i pray for that too.

:(

Lifeless

it's been a long hiatus kan? i knew this will happen. i mean the hiatus.

haihhh.

okay, straight to the point.

first, my life.
second, my future life after December this year.

our wedding preparation berjalan dengan sangat lembab dan sometimes, membimbangkan. hahaha i tak tahulah kenapa, tapi kadang-kadang i rasa excited gilaaaaa buat preparation and sometimes tetiba i jadi macam menyampah and rasa nak abaikan semuaaa checklist tu buat tak tahu je. why lahh hoii.

insyaallah i will write different entries for each items of the preparation.

alrite, now, pasal personal life.

korang pernah tak dalam satu fasa hidup korang, korang rasa macam nak give up for everything? rasa macam nak tinggalkan semua benda, semua orang, dan semua komitmen yang korang ada dan mulakan hidup baru, from a zero, from the very beginning?

sumpah i takut sangat sekarang, sebab inilah yang i rasa sekarang. perasaan tu tambah-tambah kuat kalau i sorang-sorang. i tak tahulah sama ada ini perasaan normal untuk semua bride to be, but i doubt it. i baca blog brides to be semuanya happy jee, paling-paling entry bridezilla je kott.

bila i fikir-fikir balik, mungkin nie semua kerja syaitan yang tak suka niat baik kita nak dirikan masjid kot. i tak tahulah. lagi i fikir lagi i serabut, and lagilah i takut dengan diri i sendiri. bila datang perasaan camni, mulalah i fikir deep gila pasal my life, pasal dia, pasal uncertainty things of our future, and even pasal mati.

lately, i memang susah nak tido. sebab i selalu takut yang i takkan bangun the next day. i terlalu banyak buat dosa. even until this very moment. i need to do MAJOR CHANGE to myself, my life but sadly to say, i still takut. masyaallah teruk kan i? nak berubah jadi lebih baik pun takut. yang tambah buat i sedih ialah parents i sekarang kat tanah suci. kat Makkah. dan anak dia yang sorang kat sini, buat dosa every single day!

setiap kali i call mak i, mesti i tak boleh nak cakap lama-lama. sebab i mesti nanges. i kesian sangat kat diorang. hitam n keras betul hati i nie kot. mak i dah banyak kali menangis pasal i sebelum nie. waktu kitorang adik beradik hantar parents i kat kelana jaya, both my sister and younger sister kasi notes kat mak. tuliskan wishlist or doa. i sorang je yang tak tulis or mintak apa-apa. i was like..tak tahulah korang! rasa macam tak deserve pun ada.

well, in theory i think i know what shall i do now. i kena perbaiki diri sendiri, slowly pun takpe i guess. hijrah tu five words je kot, tapi seriously besar and berat gilaa. i selalu dengar dan baca, kalau kita perbaiki hubungan kita dengan Dia, Dia akan perbaiki hubungan kita dengan manusia. dan i dengan muka tak malunya everytime lepas solat (yang jarang betul cukup), akan berdoa ditemukan jodoh yang terbaik.

haihhh. mungkin jugak perasaan celaru semua nie berkat doa mak ayah kat tanah suci supaya aku fikir. supaya aku berubah. ustaz don cakap hidayah tu perlu dicari.

i dont know. i'm just scared. with myself.


till the next entry!

The Parents

mak ayah i mendidik i dan adik beradik dengan sangat baik. ayah i pekerja am rendah je tapi dengan gaji tu dia mampu bela kami empat beradik. mak tak kerja. waktu kecik hidup memang susah. i dah biasa terima / makan / pakai apa saja yang mak ayah i bagi atau suruh. no complaints at all sebab i tau memang tak ada pilihan. 

mak ayah i dedua garang. mak i garang dengan berleter n action sekali. setakat kena libas dengan hanger, hempas pinggan mangkuk dalam sinki, kena jerit-jerit, kurung dalam toilet, semua tu i dah rasa dengan mak. ayah pulak garang dalam diam. tak banyak cakap, tapi bila sekali dia bercakap memang terasa sampai ke tulang. sekali naik tangan, memang sampai tua lah berbirat. i dan kakak i pernah jadi saksi abang i yang masa tu 18 ke 19 tahun kena sebat dengan raket badminton sampai raket tu patah dua. :(

mak ayah i juga tak reti menunjuk sayang pada anak-anak. seingat i, kali terakhir mak dan ayah betul-betul peluk i erat-erat ialah on my graduation day, 2005. that was seven years ago man! but still that was a wonderful moment for me. mak i tak pernah cakap sayang atau rindu bila cakap telefon. i mengaku, i jeolous sikit kat kawan-kawan masa di kampus bila diorang bole bergayut lama-lama dengan parents macam dengan memember. 

one thing that i love the most about my mom and dad is they trust me. cumanya bila dorang dah percaya, bila i membesar, i selalu terpaksa buat sendiri semua benda. form one ke form 2 dah belajar sendiri-sendiri naik bas awam pegi sekolah. banyak activities, hobbies dan minat i masa sekolah i buat sendiri-sendiri je. mak ayah i cuma particular bab grades je. waktu i sekolah rendah, i memang 'kena' habis-habisan dengan mak yang kejut i pukul 4 pagi suruh study,that kind of thing.

i memang kurang rasa kasih sayang parents waktu kecik dulu. mak ayah i orang kampung yang sangat fokus cari duit dan pendekatan supaya weols adik beradik berjaya dalam pelajaran so no such thing as makan bersuap, morning hug and kiss, goodnight hug, family vacation, etc etc. 

dan sekarang bila i pun dah semakin dewasa ni, banyak yang i belajar dari ramai orang yang  jumpa. i tak cakap mak ayah i parents yang tak baik, NO..i kat sini semuanya kerana diorang. i jadi macam sekarang semuanya sebab doa diorang yang tak pernah putus-putus. cuma, i belajar which part i need to improve if Allah gives me a chance to be a mom someday. 

i sedar, somehow sekarang perangai i pun beransur-ansur nak jadi macam mak. i jadi orang yang dingin, i tend to resist kasih sayang yang ada di sekeliling i sebab i takut i tak boleh control myself, or them. i always avoid deeper conversation with whom i love because i'm afraid of getting hurt, i tend to speak in a harsh tone for a normal conversation or discussion with Mr. A, etc etc.

haihh. it's genetic kott. but i believe, we can always change our attitude. i dont want to be a pesimist wife and mother to my husband and children. i want to be a positive, supportive mother. 

sekarang bila tengah buat preparation kawen, kadang-kadang stress dengan mak ayah sendiri. diorang selalu over sensitive dengan perangai i yang sangat simple itu tak nak ini tak payah sampai babit-babitkan Mr. A. masyaAllah, i anggap nie dugaan bertunang jelaa. ada satu masa, sampai cakap i dah berubah and lebihkan Mr. A dari diorang. second masyaAllah. haihh yang buat i geram semuanya diorang tak cakap kat i, tapi kat kakak i. it's like up until today, sampai i dah nak kawin pun, macam ada communication barrier among us. mak i kalau cakap sendiri benda yang dia tak puas hati kat i, tak pernahnya habis. mesti bagi hint hint je pastu suruh i faham sendiri and ikot cakap dia. bila i yang degil ni argue for explanation, mak i mesti defensive gila pastu nanges. Allahuakbar, sabar jelahhhh.

nasiblah Mr. A tak emo sekali. kalau tak lagilah i pening agaknya.

sekian sesi bride to be meroyan.

till then! :)

Hijab And I

dalam kesibukan i dan Mr. A buat preparation untuk wedding disember nie, i terima satu mesej panjang lebar dari kakak i. mesej facebook. a very long and deep one. i have to read it twice to understand the whole points.

pertamanya, jujur i tak terkejut dengan kandungan mesej tu since mak dan ayah memang pernah pun bercakap pasal itu. cuma, when it comes from kakngah, i doubted it was 100% of what my parents told her. it's not that i accused her as a liar but heyy we know our sisters well ritee! :D

so yeah, the message hurts me in someway, but my brain asks me to clarify everything with mak and ayah before another deep talk about the topic.

first thing i did after read the message was istighfar. i know i did lots of mistakes, most of them are stupid, but past is past. there's nothing i could do about it except asking for a forgiveness and bertaubat.

talking about hijab, i have nothing to argue. ye, berhijab dan bertudung itu wajib. full stop. noktah. but what irritates me is why many people that i love cant understand that i never deny the fact? why everyone cant understand the IKHLAS word? i dont want to wear hijab and at the same time i keep on nagging on twitter or with friends about how messy and unease feeling i have.

macamni lah. i pernah pakai tudung dulu. tapi i pakai sebab mak ayah suruh pakai. sebab tengok kawan-kawan pakai. i tak faham kenapa sebenarnya kena pakai tudung selain dari "wajib". i pakai tudung tapi hati i struggle. mungkin ada yang akan kata inilah godaan syaitan. i jawab mungkin, tapi disebabkan i tak ada ilmu dan keikhlasan di situ, i tak mampu melawan godaan tu.

masa zaman kampus, struggle tu bertambah-tambah kuat. dan i tambah rasa berdosa sebab i nie nama je pakai tudung tapi perangai i time tu, nauzubillah memang nakal sangat. that time i baru kenal Mr. A pulak, lagilah setan mengeletis. dan itulah akhirnya, i tanggalkan tudung and i jadi macamana diri i sekarang.

honestly, masa mula-mula perubahan tu..memang banyak sangat cemuhan yang i terima. dan i tak marah. i pun pernah jugak kutuk-kutuk orang macamtu. cuma sekarang i faham perasaannya bagaimana. sedih sebab ke mana orang-orang yang mencemuh tu masa i sedang struggle?? mana kawan-kawan saya masa tu? and yes, i am not blaming anyone, this is my own choice.

time teaches me a lot. i banyak sangat belajar during this years. i made mistakes, i bangun balik, i jatuh lagi and alhamdulillah i think Allah loves me. i also believe Allah knows me, Allah knows how i think about hijab, and only He knows what is the best for me and us.

there are more things i want to write about my kakngah's message, but that will be in another post perhaps.

till then! :)

the adoption.

ngeeeeee!! how beautiful they are?! insyaallah, tomorrow i will become their mommy! a credit must be given to @suzannajuwita, a very kind and concern girl who is responsible to 'spam' (a good one i must say) everyone's timeline about the angels until i got the retweet. we were tweeted each other, continued in DM, and yeah i am super excited for this, i even start to think their names. ohh definitely they need cool names! may Allah bless my decision by giving me more rezeki to share with them. T_T tetiba SK rinduu bebudak nyomel kat kampung..

and if there are any readers here (hahaha), yes they are strays and i'm okay with the fact. takkan lah kucing Parsi yang gebu-gebu, gemok-gemok, je orang berebut nak bela kannn. i'm not saying that i against it. kalau SK banyaak duit, SK pun nak jugaaak beli persian taruk kat umah hehehe but i just think we shouldnt ignore the strays. kalau korang tak nak bela pun takpee, tapi at least kalau kat kedai makan ada stray cats datang kat kerusi buat muka kesian keee janganlaaa terajang. lebih-lebih isi ayam or ikan yang taknak makan tu kasi laa diaa kalau kedekut sangat pun kann. even our Rasulullah SAW loves cats, so please be sane. tak perlu kott nak sepak terajang wrestling bagai dengan kucing. instead, siapa tahu diorang boleh tolong kita di akhirat nanti? insyaallahh, yang penting be sincere. not only human needs sincerety in love, fellas! :)

tiba-tiba teringat cerita manis dulu kala. 
betapa keadaan telah berubah, betapa mereka juga telah berubah. 
betapa parah hati dicalar cela, betapa sakit mendengar dusta dijaja, 
betapa perit memendam rasa. :') 
mungkin ini ujian tanda kasih DIA pada aku yang sesungguhnya kurang segala.


huhh.




payahnya mahu terima dan redha. apa pun,
 terima kasih Allah.

end of DeePeeAaaa!

this 'miserable holiday' will end soon.
31st march is the exact date. *big grin*
cant wait to receive the letter, cant wait to feel the adrenaline on that day.
cant wait to start working and rocking the new place (or old place,nevermind.i'll always rock). hehee.
meanwhile until the day comes, i'll enjoy this place as much as i can.

i wont miss this six months period.
i will miss the friendship.
i will miss the experience.
i will miss the OBS.
i will miss the Wataniah.
i will miss the 'Grease 'English Night.
i will miss the 'Damai Yang Hilang' : Protocol Night.

:) i'll treasure the moments forever.

NO water tomorrow! :O

OMG, i just happened to know about this problem two days ago when i read it on the notice boards here. i admitted to ignore it because through my experience in hometown (sobss, i miss my hometown!), water supply cut news has never been an issue. radio told us to save water,blah blah blah and the next day nothing happened. worst case, the water supply stop for few hours then it back to normal. i know some people who knows me will yelled at me and says "but sophea keisha, you have been staying here since three years ago!!" LOL yes i did and alhamdulillah, during this three amazing years i never experienced this water supply cut problem.

OK so now thinking of another 36 hours of no water supply, i am clueless. 36 hours man!

my room mate and i only have one pail each. so what we did just now, we filled the water into both pails and praying that they will be enough for us until tomorrow noon. my alexandro said he will try to send us another buckets tomorrow (with water). insyaallah.

oh yea, are you affected? from what i read online, almost 1 million households around Kuala Lumpur and Selangor will be affected during this three days. my alexandro is lucky though, even he's somewhere in Gombak but the area is safe from water cut. while me spesifically mentioned in news--Bukit Kiara : affected, no water for three days!! *emo*

well for those who are still clueless whether your areas are affected or not with this so-called Syabas maintenance and upgrading work, i hope this article can help you ---> The Star

oh you know what, we skipped our dinner. huhuu just in case. two buckets of water until tomorrow noon man! a shee-shee can still tahan, but the poo-poo one is unbearable okayy! Grrrr...

a favourite stranger

i wrote the entry last night, in my handphone spontaneously. this is exactly an unnecessary entry but i do feel to post it here and hoping i will read it with a broad smile in the next few years. this is part of me learning life.

****************

tonight, i am spending hours at my room balcony, searching for a star in the dark sky (which sadly there's none) with Yuna-Deeper Conversation keep repeating in my handphone.

"is your favourite colour blue?
do you always tell the truth?
do you believe in outer space?"


*sigh*


dear stranger,

only you can make deeper conversation with me. maybe deeper is not the exact word, i dont know. but i never feel how i feel towards our conversation when i have kind of same conversation with others, include my loved ones. it's like i could tell you everything yet i still feel safe here. i love the feeling i love it when i can always put my guard down with you and i dont have to worry how would it sound. i love to listen all your stories of your hopes, fears, dreams, everything deep inside you. i love it when i dont have to think whether all the stories are lies or not because it does not matter in this relationship (if we can call this as a relationship).

i love how you always made me feel that you are comfortable with my presence as a stranger.

like our usual joke, yes u did it well stranger. :)

and now, i wonder if there's anything would make a difference to the current situation and emotion? is it a meet up? i must say that i'm scared to think that i might not have this deeper conversation anymore with you once we meet up in a real world, the outer space from here. all this while i am learning you with your writing. i gave you my thoughts and emotion with words too. what will happen if we try for an actual conversation which involves eyes, facial expression, patting shoulder and physical impression? will i ever still be your favourite stranger in that other cruel outer space?

i wonder.

Perception.

it's been quite some time ago when this situation happened. i never tell anyone except A. since then, i just feel like crying everytime it came across my mind. i feel hurt and i dont know how to deal with it. i tried to forgive the people but i cant everytime i thought of what they did, talked and thought about me, until now. and the worst part is they are my friends. friends who shared toothpaste, kitchen groceries, pillows, eyeliner, hairban, etc etc.

:(

we thought we were meant to be a housemates. coincidentally, we have quite similar lifestyle especially in love relationship. i still remembered the moment when one of us blurted out the question and all of us were laughing like hell when each one of us saying yes for it. LOL. :')

but the happiness stopped when we moved out to another house. first of all, all of us agreed to one simple thing which is prohibited in the new house. one day, while i at the office i received text from one of my housemate who also the house owner. she asked me one question which indirectly related to that rule. i replied her with details and sorry for my silly carelessness that made her thought i broke the rule. i thought the issue would end there. but i was wrong. she replied me with a statement/question which obviously related to the rule again, and provoking me. haihhh i swear to God, only He knows how i felt at the moment. honestly, i am not good with mouth or text war. especially when it comes from a person who i loved. the best thing i can do at that kind of situation is crying.

i remembered how sad i was at that time, i can still felt the heartache. i just cant understand how could she think that way to me. i thought i've been good enough for her to trust me as a friend, like how i trust her. i did not reply the sms though, i was crying on the phone with A who at that time was meeting with a client. i remembered how he managed to talk to me by giving a toilet excuse. haihh.

back home from work, i remembered how i waited for her to ask the question or issue again to me because at that time i did feel i want to talk and explained myself although my ego said i dont have to because i did it in my sms. but nadaa. they didnt spill any word to me that night. and since then, i could feel the gap. i dont know how to describe my feeling towards them and home since that day. it's like i miss the previous craziness but i cant bear the silence treatment they gave me for something that i never did! so i tend to spend more time at the office so when i back at home, i didnt have to see their craziness while my attempts to have a conversation were ignored. i was so grateful A was with me at that time. dia dengar cerita sedih i, layan i on the phone, teman i makan, etc etc while during the same time i know they were spending time together - shopping, watching movies, lunches, blah3.. T__T

i thought the story wont be worst than that but i was wrong again.
we moved again to another house. this time, the previous house owner was not with us anymore.

one day after back home from work, i felt like i wanted to cook. FYI, i always been the only person left at home during weekend since all my housemates either will be back to their hometown or spend nights in relative's house nearby. so usually until now pun i will cook lunch for A and me on weekend, put the simple dishes in my green mangkuk tingkat and will enjoy the meal with A anywhere we would like to. Putrajaya has lots of cool places to enjoy your meals under shady trees, breezy wind, fuhhh!! memang berselera makan walaupun mungkin lauknya cuma sambal sardin dan telur dadar.

back to the story, i felt like to cook so i texted one of my housemate (the house owner too, such a coincidence) to ask her whether she wanted to eat at home or not because if she wanted, i would cook for three person. then, she replied me saying she wont eat at home and she reminded me about the same prohibited rule again in a good way. honestly, i did feel annoying but i was glad she did not provoke or perli me like previous case so i replied her explaining my original plan for the dinner (as i wrote in a previous paragraph). i was relieved when she replied and admit there's a misunderstanding of the issue.

i really thought it was an end.
yes, it's not.

few days later after the day, as usual i curi-curi masa kat ofis reading blogs. thats my hobby actually, sesambil buat kerja i will read blogs. sometimes it helps me with stress. that day, one of the blog i read was my housemate blog. to be exact, the previous house owner. masyaAllah, the latest entry was so fucking hurt me. no, it did not quote my name, even nothing about me but i knew she meant the entry for me, related with the latest situation between me and the new house owner.

how the hell that she know the story while she was not even with us anymore? Haihhh, to think about it pun i feel like crying. since then, i know no matter how my intention towards them, they will definitely perceive it as bad. since then too, i could feel the tense and awkwardness.

until now, i still in the same house with them. imagine how i have to deal with the situation and the people every single day alone? it's like the same thing in a previous home is happening again here. i remembered i read the blog with trembling hands and teary eyes, thinking of how could a roommate, a friends could think, talked, and even wrote that kind of entry. it's not about the prohibited rule anymore because Allah knows how far they went than me. it's a friendship they are ruining, it's a trust.

:(

i cant stand it anymore. i think this is why sometimes i feel guilty to A because i tend to insist him on marriage thingy although i know we're not financial ready yet.